Horror-tober 4: Cooties

"Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got a cootie shot." When a contaminated chicken nugget sparks the child zombie apocalypse, a group of teachers fight and outwit the little monsters to survive.

I have wanted to watch this one for some time. Written by the creator of the Saw franchise, Leigh Whannell, and writer for Glee, Ian Brennan. Hence this one has a demented plot but with a pleasantly dark comedic twist that you could expect from the minds of these two. Plus, the production company which Elijah Wood is a co-founder of, Spectrevision, has some other great movies to their credit, namely A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night. So I had fairly high hopes for this one.

With this as one of the opening shots, how could you not want to watch what happens?

A zombie outbreak where only children are turned into flesh-eating monsters, because children are creepy (The Omen and Children of the Corn to name a few) but relentless killing zombie children are also pretty dang creepy. I guess where the title comes from is in the narrative, the outbreak only affects pre-pubescent children. Because I guess when you hit puberty you don't have cooties anymore or vice versa?

Anyway, Cooties also has a pretty fantastic comedic cast, Jack McBrayer, Rainn Wilson, and Nasim Pedrad. Elijah Wood as Clint was also much more enjoyable and believable than his go as the psycho in Maniac. I mean it is really hard for me to see him as anything but a sort of nerdy character anyway. Although this wasn't as enjoyable as some other dark horror comedies, such as Shaun of the Dead, it had some good laugh out loud moments and plenty of gross out scenes as well. The gore definitely fit in with some other zombie flicks with tons of gut-ripping and blood-gushing and some disturbing scenes with kids playing marbles with eyeballs and jump rope with intestines among other gory recess games. 

My rating:

Five Years, Seriously?!

I've been doing this for five years?! And I still haven't finished a whole month of blogs? Well, maybe this year we will get through all the reviews. 

Anyway, I am pretty excited about this year as there are quite a few new releases I've been meaning to watch from the last few years and I intend to include most of them on the list. I have watched a few horror movies already this year (Shhhhh, it's our little secret) and may also include some of those as special features. Lately though, I've been thinking about changing up the categories a bit. Especially because we have lost a few greats in the world of horror this year (George A. Romero and Tobe Hopper among them) and I've been thinking of featuring more of their movies this year in honor but don't really want to try to "fit" them into some category. In all honesty, I am running out of zombie movies and there are only so many new schlocky ones I can take. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears. For now, same old categories below.

            Supernatural Sunday A day to fit ghosts, witches, vampires, and anything otherworldly 

            that doesn’t necessarily fall into any of the other categories.

            Zombday In a zombie apocalypse, these slow-shuffling, brain-loving undead take over the 

            world. In Horror-tober, they take over a day. BRAAAAAAINS!

            Transcontinental Tuesday Foreign films. Japan, Korea, Spain, even Canada – wherever 

            offers up a good old scary story for viewing pleasure.

            Wacky Wednesday The fun and lighthearted. The funny and dark. The campy. Or the 

            animated and weird. Just plain "wacky". 

            Throwback Thursday Those classics I love or new favorites I want to watch again.

            Creature-Feature Friday For all things monster and creepy-crawly. 

            Slasher Saturday Slashers, thrillers, home invasions, torture porn, body horror, et al.

Again, I did not finish last year’s posts. However, I kind of like doing these breakdowns of the ratings from the previous year now. It's nice to remind myself of all the great, OK, and terrible movies I subject myself to in the span of a single month. 
   

1 – Holidays – 2.5 skulls – Creepy vignettes about various holidays. Was mostly OK.

2 – We Are Still Here – 3 skulls – Good haunted house vibes and throwback to horror movies of the 70s.  

3 – Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse – 1.5 skulls – Just too juvenile for my tastes. 

4 – Onibaba – 4 skulls – Superb storytelling and cinematography in this classic.

5 – Extraordinary Tales – 3 skulls – Different Poe stories animated in varying styles. Was decent. 

6 – The Babadook – 4 skulls – Psychological horror and family drama. Creepy as hell and good for a rewatch. BABA DOOK DOOK DOOOOOOK! 

7 – Grizzly – 3.5 skulls – Ridiculous prehistoric grizzly bear attacks and hunky men of the 70s. Worth it.

8 – Hush – 4 skulls – Definitely my favorite of the new ones for 2016. A nice twist on home invasion thrillers and well worth the watch. 

9 – Supernatural Shorts:

Foxes – 3.5 skulls – I love foxes, but they definitely have a blood-curdling scream.

Don't Move – 4 skulls – Delightfully gory and kind of funny. 

Teddy Bears are for Lovers – 4 skulls – Also delightfully funny. 

Geist – 3.5 skulls – Animated ghost story that was kind of heartbreaking.
             Red Girl – 2.5 skulls – Really short, OK. 
             Daddy – 2 skulls – Don't remember too much but that it was OK.
             Abandoned – 2.5 skulls – I gave this one an extra .5 skull compared to Daddy because I                was not expecting the ending. Otherwise OK.
             Coffer – 3.5 skulls – From the same director of the Lights Out short from last year. Good,              but not as good. 
             The Wicked – 2.5 skulls – Liked the single frame shot throughout, but meh.
             The Pride of Strathmoor – 3 skulls – Animated, decent but fairly disturbing.    

10 – Maggie – 3 skulls – Arnold zombie drama. Not too bad.

11 – Witching and Bitching – 3.5 skulls – Raucous and ridiculous and loved it. 

12 – The Voices – 3 skulls – Ryan Reynolds shines as a weirdo hearing voices (his pets talk to him, but not really. Because voices).
The Neon Dead – 1.5 skulls – Was the one I had originally planned to watch this night but it was so bad I had to fast forward and then watched The Voices.

13 – 2001 Maniacs – 3 skulls – Robert Englund. Cannibalistic, redneck/hillbilly/confederate ghosts? Need I say more? 

14 – Hobgoblins – 1.5 skulls – Best scene was the band playing at the bar. Literally almost 6 minutes (I could be exaggerating) of just the band playing and people dancing. 

15 – Special 4 Movie Feature at Hollywood Theatre – 4 movies. 1 night. Friends. Beer. Coffee. Rad.
             Race with the Devil – 2.5 skulls – Peter Fonda. You can't escape the Satanists, no matter              how long or far you run (or drive)! It was OK, a bit weird and somewhat comical. 
             Psycho II – 4 skulls – The best of the night. A sequel made over 20 years after the                          original. Most definitely an "underrated sequel". Was fun and pretty dang good. 
             The Funhouse – 3.5 skulls – Maybe a lesser well known Tobe Hooper scare. The only of                the 4 I had previously seen and I still enjoyed it. 
             Burial Ground – 3 skulls – "Bat shit crazy Italian gutmuncher" is an appropriate descriptor              for this movie. This was insane. And being the last of the 4 made it even that much more                  insane (because watching it at around 4am after sitting through 3 other movies).    

16 – Ghost concert – After 4 movies in one night, took a break to see one of my favorite bands! 

17 – Southbound – 2.5 skulls – Another anthology film with the stories all tied together in some way. Really enjoyed a couple of the stories but overall was nothing to get that excited about. 

18 – The Psychic – 3.5 skulls – Watched based on recommendation from a friend. Was not disappointed. 

19 – He Never Died – 3.5 skulls – Henry Rollins. 'Nough said.

20 – Special Presentation of "new" Rocky Horror Picture Show on FOX – 1.5 skulls – I had to give it a shot but I just, I don't even know why I watched the whole thing. I do love Laverne Cox and even was happy to see Tim Curry stepping into the role of the Criminologist/Narrator. But it just, no. Bad. No more words for how much I did not like this.  

21 – The Corpse Grinders – 2 skulls – Cat food made with corpses! I fell asleep, tried to watch again and fell asleep again. Not worth it. 

22 – Open Grave – 2 skulls – I wanted to like it because I love Sharlto Copley but it just wasn't very good.   

23 – Stake Land – 3 skulls – Decent vampire fare. Saw recently that there is a sequel, might give that one a try this year. 

24 – Monsters – 3.5 skulls – A good science-fiction/monster flick. Some good subtle social commentary in it as well.     

25 – Baskin – 3.5 skulls – I still feel fucked up after watching this movie. I liked it, but damn. Just writing this snippet about it is fucking with me. And it really wasn't terribly more shocking than other movies I've watched, but it just got to me in a fucked up way.   

26 – Goosebumps – 2 skulls – As an avid Goosebumps reader in my younger days, I had to watch this. It was OK.   

27 – Poltergeist - 2.5 skulls – I try my darndest to give remakes a shot and some are actually decent (Rob Zombie's Halloween for one, honestly). But I just wasn't feeling this one.

28 – Stung - 3 skulls –The only note I have on this one is that I gave it 3 skulls because of the practical effects. Seriously, a good way to win me over is the use of practical effects. Especially for "newer" films to use practical effects over CGI (or a combination of the two). 

29 – We Are What We Are – 3.5 skulls – A cannibalistic family drama. Decent. 

30 – The Houses October Built – 2 skulls – Haunted houses, the kind you go to to be scared, that are a little more "serious". I liked the premise, but poor execution.

31 – Ghostbusters – 3.5 skulls – Despite what the critics and even die hard original Ghostbusters fans have said about this movie, I really liked this. I wouldn't go as far as saying it was better than the original, but honestly having four female leads, and three in scientific fields, was pretty dang great. Yay for progress, I guess, yay! I also just fucking LOVED Kate McKinnon as Holtzmann. (I admit I have an Abby Yates Funko Pop! toy on my desk at work but every time I look at it I wish it was Holtzmann. Shhhh, don't tell Abby).  

Welp that's it for last year's movies. We've got about a week until the feast-ivities begin. AGGGGGHHHH! I can't wait!    

Horror-tober 12: The Voices

Jerry works in a factory in the small-town he grew up in. Not really noticed by most of his coworkers, he interacts with an accounting girl and finds himself smitten with her. When she doesn't show up for their "date", things get a little sour for Jerry. Oh, and he also thinks his animals are talking to him.

I'm a little on the fence for the rating of this one. I liked it because it did a dark comedy horror pretty well. But I was almost also rooting for Jerry to be OK and not make some of the decisions he did. So really it made me feel weird about "rooting" for the psycho killer but also wanting him to get caught and/or killed himself. Very conflicting feelings for this one. It is darkly funny and a bit macabre. Ridiculous but also really well written.

Not until a bit later did I realize that the voices Jerry was hearing were actually Ryan Reynolds doing them (which makes sense because they are the voices he creates as he dips deeper into his madness). I mean, Mr. Whiskers had such a good Scottish accent I kept trying to place it and thinking that it was Chris (Mark Bonnar) from Catastrophe (Amazon TV show that is pretty good). Bosco, the dog had a bit of a Billy Bob Thornton quality. All in all, Reynolds has been a favorite of mine for awhile, yeah mostly because he is pretty attractive, but seeing him in this role was so much different and he was actually really good in it. Also features Anna Kendrick. However, it does not get a much higher rating because the climax was a little dull and by that point I got a bit bored with the whole story. But then the credits ran. What was THAT?

So I also have to mention that tonight it was a choice between two movies, This one or The Neon Dead. I had originally had chosen Dead because it was shorter but I watched the first 10 minutes and decided it wasn't worth the time. But I wanted to see some of what originally attracted me to the movie, so I fast-forwarded through some of it to see if it got any better. Not. Don't watch it. Other than the movie being shot pretty much entirely in blacklight to create the neon element, it was definitely a B-movie that can be skipped. However, I do like this mask still and am considering how to make one. Maybe they were trying to make something with an Attack the Block feel? Who knows. But, remember folks, part of the reason I watch these is so that you guys don't have to, I got your backs.

The Voices rating:

The Neon Dead rating. Although I just skimmed through the whole movie, felt like I needed to give it something:

Horror-tober 5: Extraordinary Tales

Animated tales from one of the masters of macabre and horror (the literary kind at least), Edgar Allen Poe.

This one is a series of animated shorts from all different Poe tales. The underlying story is that Poe is depicted as a raven talking to a statue that is actually Death as she takes him on a journey through his stories as part of his obsession with death. It also features a cast of great voices, like Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee. Each animation is a different style but each captures the darkness and creepiness of Poe's tales in their own way. The score also sets an atmospheric mood befitting of the tales. Watching this was reminiscent of when I was a teen and would listening to recordings of "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Pit and the Pendulum". I think my favorite of these depictions had to be "Heart", not only because of the nostalgia, but the narration from Bela Lugosi was just so perfectly timed. The animation of that tale was also my favorite. Dark, simple, and gloomy. I also enjoyed the watercolor like animation on "The Masque of the Red Death."

I enjoyed this one quite a bit although some of what is best about Poe is lost in these visual representations, at times not as dark and somber as Poe's words. However, if you like Poe give it a shot.

Horror-tober 14: What We Do in the Shadows

I have wanted to see this one for awhile. Even though there have been some pretty bad vampire movies and shows (I won't name names) I am still a big fan of the creatures.

What We Do in the Shadows is a mockumentary style comedy about vampires living in New Zealand. Four vampires live together, each of a different era of vampire (mostly related to film and folklore). Petyr is the vampyr-style of vampire familiar from the classic Nosferatu and the oldest of the four. Valdislav is the Hungarian, Vlad the Impaler, style vampire, but he is Valdistav the Poker. Viago is kind of the Anne Rice, pretty and lovelorn, vampire. And the youngest, Deacon, is the bad boy, the modern vampire akin to The Lost Boys (he even references it!) although much older than those bad boys. But like any household where four dudes reside together and share the rent and chores, they have their spats over who was supposed to do the dishes that week and food. Well, except that their food happens to be living human beings they pick up in the nightclubs in Wellington and as classic vampires they have a preference for virgins. All of them stuck in the past but when one of their meals, Nick, becomes a fellow vampire they learn to adapt to the modern world. Even "poking" people on Facebook, of which Vladislav seems particularly excited about. Of course, the "fresh blood," also brings lots of trouble to the vampire household.

The boys all together

I liked this film not only because of the fun it plays with the vampire subgenre of horror, but it was genuinely funny. I really love Jemaine Clement (Vladislav), I even liked him as the bad guy in the third installment of the MIB franchise even though the whole movie was pretty crappy. He has such a great, sort of dry humor that is also pretty clever. So no surprise that he and fellow kiwi, Taika Waititi (Viago), were the brains behind this movie. I was also happy to see Rhys Darby (Murray in Flight of the Conchords) to pop-up in this movie as the alpha werewolf. I didn't give this one a better rating though, just because it overplayed some of its jokes and *SPOILER* they killed off Petyr. He was the best, probably because he didn't say a word but it was just so perfectly played! After seeing it I did learn that it was based on a short film that Waititi and Clement originally made, so I will have to check that out sometime and see how it ties into this film. Overall, it still gets a pretty high rating of 3.5 skulls because I just enjoyed how subtly funny it was and the nostalgia of when I liked vampire movies.  

My rating:

Joey's rating:

Horror-tober 7: Zombeavers

The picks for Wacky Wednesday this year are mostly silly, funny ones. So not a surprise that I chose Zombeavers for this day. I kind of went into this one knowing absolutely nothing about it aside from the name, and of course expecting that there would be zombie beavers and it would probably be pretty ridiculous. Which is was.

Some numbskull dudes, are texting and driving when they hit a deer and unwittingly lose a barrel of toxic waste they were transporting. That barrel spills its toxic nastiness on a beaver dam quickly setting up the future zombeaver apocalypse. Three sorority sisters then head to that lake for the weekend primarily for one of them to forget about her cheating boyfriend. With no cell service at the cabin, they let loose and go for a swim, not knowing they are being watched by zombeavers! Later, the boyfriends, including the cheating boyfriend, show up and the next day they find themselves at the mercy of the zombeavers!

Zombeavers had its good moments, but also its bad moments. It was actually surprising how little beaver jokes there were in this one. A few expected ones, but it was not over the top with them which was good because it probably would have been un-beaver-able otherwise.

The acting isn't great, but honestly didn't expect it to be. I did like that not only do people turn into a zombie when bitten but turn into a full on zombeaver; buck teeth and some even get the sweet beaver tail. Even the bear that shows up toward the end of the movie has a set of zombeaver chompers. Effects were silly but decent for what you would expect from a movie with this kind of title. Spoiler ahead here folks: Thankfully the stupid cheating boyfriend gets his comeuppance in a scene reminded me of one of the most ridiculous and gory scenes in the movie Black Sheep which is still one of my tops in the "zombie animal" genre. *EDIT* I goofed and called this movie Australian but it is from New Zealand, I feel so ashamed. ** If you have seen it, you probably know the scene I am talking about; if not, go watch it. Now. Seriously, stop reading this and watch it right now.

All in all, Zombeavers is a fun little flick but not one to rave about. This one gets 2.5 skulls from me for that scene I mentioned above but mostly just for this little piece of dialogue: "They sound like babies." "Yeah, crazy fuckin' babies." Because beavers seriously do sound like crazy fuckin' babies. For real.

My rating:

Dead Heat

It has been a full week now, and we are back to Wacky Wednesday. Funny that it is technically the third zombie movie so far this year, but oh well.

This one came under my radar when I saw it being featured for Wolf Choir's monthly B-Movie Bingo program at Hollywood Theater. Unfortunately I missed it when it was there, but no reason I couldn't feature it myself for this year's festivities. B-Movie Bingo is the first Tuesday of every month and is more about the experience than the quality of the movie. You play bingo with a card that has a plethora of action movie cliches like, "long boring scene," "male ponytail," "teamed up with a rookie or animal," "uzi," "white suit," and "shooting while dying." There are prizes and you get to scream the different squares out if the hosts miss something. Plus, there is a special definition for the "blank square." It is not a free space, no, it is much better. It is something completely bizarre, a scene, a line, a woman putting a birthday cake with a lit candle into a drawer; it's basically something that is so strange, you would likely never see it in any other movie. I think that is actually my favorite part of B-Movie Bingo and I'll mention the scene in Dead Heat I think was probably called out as the "blank square" when they showed it.

An example of a bingo card via joshshalek.com

I love campy films, but I especially love those that just go all out because they know what they are doing is ridiculous and don't give a s***. That is exactly why I found myself enjoying this one more than I think I should have. Detectives Roger Mortis (Treat Williams) and Doug Bigelow (Joe Piscopo) find themselves on a strange case when they thwart a robbery at a jewelry store but discover the crooks were already once pronounced dead. They investigate Dante Laboratories, suspecting they have some way to resurrect the dead. Doug finds a suspicious room with a mysterious machine and the reanimated corpse of a biker. Roger tries to help fight it off but is killed in the line of duty, but becomes one of the undead to fight the zombie crooks and the madman behind the machine. It's a zombie buddy cop movie! A ridiculous premise executed in an off-the-wall and ridiculous way all true to the era of '80s camp horror. Of course it wouldn't have been as good without Vincent Price's cameo as the "deceased" owner of Dante Laboratories, Arthur P. Laudermilk. Really anything that man is in makes it worth a watch.

WHITE SUIT

You're not looking so good there Rog

It is super campy, with cringe-worthy one-liners and cheesy effects, but that is what makes it so much fun. I believe the "blank square" would have been the scene in which our heroes are interrogating a suspect at a restaurant and he turns on a small resurrection machine, reanimating all of the meat in the restaurant. All of the meat. A, what I assume is a liver, jumps onto Roger's face while Doug wrestles with a pig carcass. The best though, is when a whole cow carcass, head not included, breaks out of the freezer. Doug's cheesy one-liners throughout the film, but particularly in this scene will force a laugh and make you roll your eyes, but it is still amusing. The examples, when he was fighting the resurrected pig, "Alright, this little piggy's going to market," and when Roger asks how they are supposed to kill the cow carcass he replies, "Maybe we can drown it in A-1 sauce."

I literally can't even

You know it is a true 80's comedy when it has its own movie-title ending credit song. 

Don't watch unless you don't wanna watch the movie. Or do and watch it anyway! 

My rating:

Bad Milo!

Starting this year's fest with a Wacky Wednesday.

I saw a preview for this movie sometime last year and had high hopes for it. Although it was crude and funny, it just didn't flow very well. The best part of the movie was the end credits with extra lines that weren't included in the movie and some bloopers. It's kind of a bad sign that I liked the credits more. That being said, I did enjoy a lot of the movie, and am happy that Joey was able to join me for the kick-off of this year's festivities.

"You've got a little trooper in your pooper."

We all deal with stress in our daily lives, but what if that stress manifested itself in a different way. Say in a polyp in your colon that becomes a monster that pops out and kills those causing your stress. Well, that is what happens to mild-mannered Duncan. Lots and lots of poop, ass and sex jokes are strewn throughout the movie. Normally, I like that sort of thing, but it could have been reigned in a little better. I found some similarities in this film with New Zealand's Black Sheep, which may appear this year on a Throwback Thursday because I absolutely adore that film. However, Milo didn't quite reach the same level as Sheep. But for what could be classified a B Horror movie, the acting was really good and believable, which is to be expected with the caliber of the actors in the film, including Patrick Warburton, Ken Marino (Party Down, Wet Hot American Summer) and Peter Stormare (Fargo). Joey kind of summed it up in a weird way that makes sense, a "touching" film about dealing with parenthood.

Couch cuddles with Milo

The practical effects with the puppet of Milo, were outstanding.  Always one of my number one complaints about a lot of movies is when they are heavy on the CGI but here it is hardly used at all.  I am still astounded by how well CGI is designed nowadays but when all creature effects or gore effects are CGI, it gets a little tiring and the suspension of disbelief is lost when it is obviously not realistic. It's funny saying something as absurd as a monster manifested by stress coming out of your anus to kill people is realistic, but it was well done. I've included this nice interview with the director from Fangoria about using puppets for the movie.

Milo and his puppeteer.

Not great but not too bad either. Joey and I both give it:

Infestation

The last of Creature-Feature Friday for the month and I couldn't resist something with large creepy crawlies even though it probably would have been a good fit for a Wacky Wednesday too.

Infestation plays on everyone's fear of large and ferocious insects. Cooper is kind of a loser, although we don't know it yet, he recently lost his mom, and his dad is a hard-ass. So when Cooper loses his job, there seems to be no hope for him. In the firing meeting with his boss, an ear-piercing sound afflicts the entire office and the film jumps right into the action after that. In the next scene, there are a bunch of people wrapped in cocoons with very large insects jamming appendages into them and excreting some kind of fluid. Cooper wakes from his catatonic state, escapes from the cocoon, vomits the fluid and is attacked by what appears to be a large beetle. He rescues some fellow workers and discovers that the entire city has succumbed to this swarm of bugs. 

Cooper in the office with co-workers in cocoons

Some of the insects turn people into this. Yikes! 

It had some pretty well done special effects - just the right amount of cheese. The story is pretty typical as end-of-the-world monster movies go but with a good sense of humor about it. There is a love story to go along with it, which, meh. I enjoyed seeing Ray Wise (Reaper, How I Met Your Mother). He plays a good tough father that doesn't easily show his emotions or connect with his son. Otherwise, most of the acting and story development was kind of blah. 

Ray Wise

NO! Not Fluffykins! 

My rating:

Student Bodies

Another Wacky Wednesday and I found myself watching Student Bodies.

Before Scary Movie there was Student Bodies. Think of it as a mix of horror movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th with the added comedy of say, Airplane or the Naked Gun series. When teens engaging in sexual intercourse are being murdered with bizarre weapons, the school looks to the "prude" as the one to blame. But she didn't do it, and becomes our protagonist, trying to discover who the real killer is. Each girl is killed with some strange object and boy is suffocated inside a black plastic trash bag. One girl is murdered with paperclips and the next an eggplant. As the teens start dying off, a kill count flashes on the screen. The killer is called "The Breather" because he breathes heavily when he kills and calls on the phone. He also disguises his voice with a rubber chicken. 

Killed by paper clips

Begin the body count! 

Killed by wooden horse book end

I liked it quite a bit. It had some clever dialogue, jokes and gags, and toward the end became quite absurd, but it dragged on a little long for my liking. For that reason I give it a 2.5-skull rating. 

Chased by an old lady in a trash can, for some reason

Mt rating: